That was enough to leave him truly speechless, blinking at her in disbelief. But it was so familiar to all of the nightmares he'd had that a fear gripped his throat and he pulled away from her as he tried to steady his breathing.
How many times had he heard those words from her lips? Or at least--the nightmarish version of her that had haunted him since the day she'd left the tower. Was this simply another nightmare he'd wake up from in a cold sweat? How much of what he remembered in that moment had been real versus a fantasy made up by some creature bent on destroying him from the inside?
"I--"
A breath in. A breath out.
He closed his eyes. Maybe he should have not tried to quit using lyrium, after all.
His hand ripped away from her, her own fingers pawing uselessly at the air before retracting, clutched to her chest just as fear gripped it.
"Cullen?" She asked, worry evident in her voice. She was not sure what she had expected - rejection, maybe. But not this. Not the panic that seemed to grip him, echoing fears she knew nothing of. Maybe she should not have said it at all; kept it buried like she had for years.
His question confused her, until she started to piece things together. Was this real? Did he think this was... a hallucination? A trick?
"Cullen." Softer this time. "I am here, flesh and blood and bone. I promise. I swear to you I am real."
She could promise such, but how was he to trust her--but he could trust her, he knew. But he could not trust the monsters in his head, nor the ones created by the abominations to torture him until the Hero of Ferelden had shown up.
"I... I am sorry, please give me a moment."
Cullen steadied his breathing and took stock of the room around him. He recognized everything and it felt real. Lioriley looked real--still the same, but there were subtle differences that he noted. Differences he had never seen before in his dreams--differences that could have only happened when they spent time apart.
"Lioriley, I am so terribly sorry." His voice was hardly above a whisper. Guilt roiled in his stomach as he continued to take deep breaths. "I... after you left the tower, terrible things happened. Visions involving... you. Us."
Visions that would not have happened, had he not felt the same way about her.
Lioriley was silent, allowing him that moment to compose himself, her eyes widening at the explanation. He had visions of her? Of them. She did not enjoy the implication, considering what she had just admitted to him and how it clearly set him into a panic.
After another moment of consideration, she stood up, rounded the table slowly, and knelt down in front of him, reaching tentatively for his hand again to cradle it between both of her own. Her expression was soft — albeit hazy with tears she refused to let fall — as she gazed up at him.
"Whatever that vision of me did — good, bad, or otherwise — she was not me. And I am sorry you were haunted so due to the selfish actions of desperate people within that tower. But I am real now. I am here and I have no intention to bring you harm." Whether he believed that or not, Lioriley spoke sincerely. "Breathe for me, Cullen. You are safe. If you do not feel as such around me, I understand. I can go."
He watched her move with wide eyes, then gazed down at her. Maker, how was she always so breathtaking? How did every word that passed between her lips leave him hanging, wishing to hear her speak more and more?
"No!" He said that quickly and gripped her hand tightly before his muscles relaxed at the realization of his action. His breaths seemed to slow to a more natural pace, and he gave her an awkward, apologetic grin. "I mean--of course not, Lioriley. I, ah... I cared deeply for you back in the tower as well. It was painful when you left, and moreso with what happened after, but..."
This time he squeezed with a slight flush to his cheeks. "I would try again--without the walls built between us by the roles we'd found ourselves in. I, too, love you still."
It was difficult not to startle when he shouted; when he grabbed her hand so tightly. But she did not pull away, instead squeezing his hand in turn.
Whatever she expected him to say next, somehow that was not it. Her own eyes widened, a blush flaring from her cheeks to the tips of her ears, lips trembling while she struggled for words.
"I-" didn't think it was reciprocated. Feared rejection. Did not know what to do now that it did not come. Tears welled in her eyes and she raised his captured hand up to kiss it gently. "Words cannot convey how happy that makes me, Cullen. And never in my wildest dreams did I imagine it could be true — that we could be something."
It was not something he had dared ever dream for, either--especially not with the nightmares about her that often still plagued his sleeping hours. But with her there in front of him, the feelings felt real and... raw, as they had so long ago. "Nor did I. But I think... If the Inquisitor is truly the Herald of Andraste, I believe Andraste herself must have brought us together. For this chance."
His cheeks burned hot and bright as his stomach churned, nervousness bubbling in his gut as if something was bound to cause everything around them to burn.
Lioriley was not a particularly religious woman, Chantry shoved down her throat or no, but she respected those that were, and the sentiment he offered was a nice one. One she might even be inclined to believe, if only for how sincere he sounded. It made her smile, tears falling down her cheeks despite every effort to contain them.
Mages and templars should not be together. But he was no longer a templar — she no longer his charge. A man and a woman who longed for one another for years, reunited by such low and strange odds. Lioriley stood, pressed a hand to his cheek, and leaned in to kiss him tenderly on the forehead. "I am inclined to believe that, too." She murmured. "Let us finish our meal, hm?"
Cullen could hardly believe that any of this was happening--had she not talked him out of his brief panic, he might have still thought it was a dream about to turn nightmare. His cheeks burned hot when she pressed her lips to his forehead, and he was laughing awkwardly as he turned back to the table. This time he grabbed her hand and took a big swallow of wine.
"I am... beyond words, happy to have you here Lioriley. The Inquisitor could not have found a better helping hand than yours. And of course... selfishly, I hope you wish to stay for quite some time."
Lioriley looked down at their joined hands, her thumb absently rubbing along his knuckles. "I will not leave you again, Cullen." She smiled brightly when she looked back up into his eyes. "The Inquisition needs aid and I am happy to assist. I will remain until and if I am no longer needed — but I will not go without you, and will find a means to remain by your side." Somehow or another.
"Until then, my dear, I think we will work wonders together." She finished her glass. Laughed. "Also, I fear I drank a touch too much in my nervousness."
He noted the tint to her cheeks and the tips of her ears, then tried to recall if the Circle mages had ever been offered alcohol in the tower. If she'd been drunk around him before... he couldn't recall. But that also could have been his own memories disappearing--a time best forgotten.
"I will not leave you, either." Cullen gripped her hand tightly. "Someone needs to watch you when you drink too much--for your own safety, mind. I worry you may expend yourself even more than usual if you are not careful."
She hadn't. Lioriley never drank in the tower and rarely drank after she left. Tiny as she was and with no tolerance to begin with, well, one glass of a fine wine apparently did her in.
She giggled. "Oh, I would not dare do magic while intoxicated." She insisted. "But I am glad you are here. I hope this is not — I am not making a fool of myself."
"Of course you aren't." She was... cute. The way her skin turned darker with the flush of her cheeks, her giggle. "I don't think you could ever do anything foolish. Not in my eyes, at the least."
Maybe it was the wine that he'd drank far more of than her--half the bottle gone, and her having only had one glass for herself--but he squeezed her hand again. "I want you to be able to... let loose around me, like you couldn't before." For her to be free, to express herself however she pleased without worry. As if he wasn't being a hypocrite by asking that of her when he was so full of nerves his stomach churned with each word he spoke.
A sweet sentiment, and one that nearly had her tearing up. Lioriley gripped his hand tight. She never wanted to let go.
"I feel safe with you, Cullen, so I think that should be easy enough to do." She admitted, just a little bashful as she glanced away. "I have a silly request, but there is something I always wanted to do, if you would indulge me." She looked back. "Will you dance with me? I know there is no music here and perhaps I read far too many tales of knights and princesses and fancy gatherings, but..."
Cullen's heart could have burst from his chest when he heard her request, and he was standing and holding a hand out to her before he even realized he was doing it. "My lady, I would be honored to have this dance."
And it was the truth. Even if his cheeks burned as he realized he had no real clue how to dance. But for her, he would try.
She giggled again as she took his hand, curtseying politely despite the way she wobbled before she stepped closer. He was so much taller than her, but that didn't matter as she insistently set his other hand on her hip and her own on his shoulder, holding their joined hands up and out slightly.
"Just like that." She beamed, taking a few slow steps.
Cullen couldn’t help but smile at the way she looked at him, the way she stood and seemed to stumble a bit. He supposed her size would make her a bit more susceptible to alcohol than he was.
He followed her arm until he saw where their hands met—and he was just drunk enough to begin to hum.
“I like this view,” he said during a gap in his humming.
"The view?" She asked, squinting over to the thin windows that overlooked little beyond the courtyard and the mountains in the distance if one leaned in close, then looked back up to Cullen.
"Yes." He chuckled, despite the awkwardness of the situation and the feeling that he could have been more clear--or that he was being far too corny and that was why she had initially missed his flirtation.
But.
"I apologize for not being more clear. You're beautiful, Lioriley. I am glad that I can say such things to you now without... impropriety."
Lioriley never knew when people were flirting with her — it was hardly Cullen's fault.
Her flushed cheeks grew to a darker red still, fingers squeezing around his and her head ducking slightly. "Words cannot express how much that means to me, coming from you." She murmured. "I almost wish we did not have to end this night at all."
Alas, they would have to eventually. It was growing late, the sky dark and pinpricked with stars. "We should do this again, though. If tomorrow is not too soon..."
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cw panic attack teehee
How many times had he heard those words from her lips? Or at least--the nightmarish version of her that had haunted him since the day she'd left the tower. Was this simply another nightmare he'd wake up from in a cold sweat? How much of what he remembered in that moment had been real versus a fantasy made up by some creature bent on destroying him from the inside?
"I--"
A breath in. A breath out.
He closed his eyes. Maybe he should have not tried to quit using lyrium, after all.
"Is this real?"
DONT TEEHEE ME
"Cullen?" She asked, worry evident in her voice. She was not sure what she had expected - rejection, maybe. But not this. Not the panic that seemed to grip him, echoing fears she knew nothing of. Maybe she should not have said it at all; kept it buried like she had for years.
His question confused her, until she started to piece things together. Was this real? Did he think this was... a hallucination? A trick?
"Cullen." Softer this time. "I am here, flesh and blood and bone. I promise. I swear to you I am real."
no subject
"I... I am sorry, please give me a moment."
Cullen steadied his breathing and took stock of the room around him. He recognized everything and it felt real. Lioriley looked real--still the same, but there were subtle differences that he noted. Differences he had never seen before in his dreams--differences that could have only happened when they spent time apart.
"Lioriley, I am so terribly sorry." His voice was hardly above a whisper. Guilt roiled in his stomach as he continued to take deep breaths. "I... after you left the tower, terrible things happened. Visions involving... you. Us."
Visions that would not have happened, had he not felt the same way about her.
no subject
After another moment of consideration, she stood up, rounded the table slowly, and knelt down in front of him, reaching tentatively for his hand again to cradle it between both of her own. Her expression was soft — albeit hazy with tears she refused to let fall — as she gazed up at him.
"Whatever that vision of me did — good, bad, or otherwise — she was not me. And I am sorry you were haunted so due to the selfish actions of desperate people within that tower. But I am real now. I am here and I have no intention to bring you harm." Whether he believed that or not, Lioriley spoke sincerely. "Breathe for me, Cullen. You are safe. If you do not feel as such around me, I understand. I can go."
no subject
"No!" He said that quickly and gripped her hand tightly before his muscles relaxed at the realization of his action. His breaths seemed to slow to a more natural pace, and he gave her an awkward, apologetic grin. "I mean--of course not, Lioriley. I, ah... I cared deeply for you back in the tower as well. It was painful when you left, and moreso with what happened after, but..."
This time he squeezed with a slight flush to his cheeks. "I would try again--without the walls built between us by the roles we'd found ourselves in. I, too, love you still."
no subject
Whatever she expected him to say next, somehow that was not it. Her own eyes widened, a blush flaring from her cheeks to the tips of her ears, lips trembling while she struggled for words.
"I-" didn't think it was reciprocated. Feared rejection. Did not know what to do now that it did not come. Tears welled in her eyes and she raised his captured hand up to kiss it gently. "Words cannot convey how happy that makes me, Cullen. And never in my wildest dreams did I imagine it could be true — that we could be something."
no subject
His cheeks burned hot and bright as his stomach churned, nervousness bubbling in his gut as if something was bound to cause everything around them to burn.
no subject
Mages and templars should not be together. But he was no longer a templar — she no longer his charge. A man and a woman who longed for one another for years, reunited by such low and strange odds. Lioriley stood, pressed a hand to his cheek, and leaned in to kiss him tenderly on the forehead. "I am inclined to believe that, too." She murmured. "Let us finish our meal, hm?"
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"I am... beyond words, happy to have you here Lioriley. The Inquisitor could not have found a better helping hand than yours. And of course... selfishly, I hope you wish to stay for quite some time."
no subject
"Until then, my dear, I think we will work wonders together." She finished her glass. Laughed. "Also, I fear I drank a touch too much in my nervousness."
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"I will not leave you, either." Cullen gripped her hand tightly. "Someone needs to watch you when you drink too much--for your own safety, mind. I worry you may expend yourself even more than usual if you are not careful."
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She giggled. "Oh, I would not dare do magic while intoxicated." She insisted. "But I am glad you are here. I hope this is not — I am not making a fool of myself."
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Maybe it was the wine that he'd drank far more of than her--half the bottle gone, and her having only had one glass for herself--but he squeezed her hand again. "I want you to be able to... let loose around me, like you couldn't before." For her to be free, to express herself however she pleased without worry. As if he wasn't being a hypocrite by asking that of her when he was so full of nerves his stomach churned with each word he spoke.
no subject
"I feel safe with you, Cullen, so I think that should be easy enough to do." She admitted, just a little bashful as she glanced away. "I have a silly request, but there is something I always wanted to do, if you would indulge me." She looked back. "Will you dance with me? I know there is no music here and perhaps I read far too many tales of knights and princesses and fancy gatherings, but..."
no subject
And it was the truth. Even if his cheeks burned as he realized he had no real clue how to dance. But for her, he would try.
no subject
"Just like that." She beamed, taking a few slow steps.
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He followed her arm until he saw where their hands met—and he was just drunk enough to begin to hum.
“I like this view,” he said during a gap in his humming.
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A beat. "Oh! Do... do you mean me?"
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But.
"I apologize for not being more clear. You're beautiful, Lioriley. I am glad that I can say such things to you now without... impropriety."
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Her flushed cheeks grew to a darker red still, fingers squeezing around his and her head ducking slightly. "Words cannot express how much that means to me, coming from you." She murmured. "I almost wish we did not have to end this night at all."
Alas, they would have to eventually. It was growing late, the sky dark and pinpricked with stars. "We should do this again, though. If tomorrow is not too soon..."